the things I need a man for

My house is temporarily man-free. I’m realising that I need a man for the following household activities:

– Opening glass jars. However, I’m sure that those plastic contraptions that aid opening stuff would have cheaper running costs.

– Re-attaching the soft-close device on cupboard doors when they fall off. I seem to have absolutely no comprehension about how they attach – no mater how hard I push them. But somehow I managed to bump them off all the time. Then I don’t remember which doors do and which don’t. Since being on my own, the kitchen has become a game of banging door roulette. The longer I am man-free the more doors are banging. I can’t change my habit. I’ve become reliant on the soft-close device.

– Oiling door hinges. I guess I could do this. I just don’t want to do it wrong. There’s something about how powder is better than grease for this, or is it that grease is better than powder? Or doesn’t it matter at all? Instead I continue with my ritual of slowly and silently turning the handle, then wrenching the door open at blur speed to avoid the elongated squeak.

– Washing up… when will it end?! … Ok, so that’s not technically a need either, it’s more like a down on my knees beg for washing up mercy. I’m contemplating giving up eating.

… There seems to be a pattern emerging, perhaps if I live in a house without doors and eat out of a tin my problems would be solved… ?

– Not for mowing the lawn, putting fuel in the mower or even getting it out of the shed, but for starting the dang thing. I loath the way the mower humiliates me. I pull that cord 20 times as the mower splutters and stops, splutters and stops, splutters … There’s absolutely no way that I’m talking it in for a service. That would involve putting it in the car (the other man task of lawn mowing). And yes, I do have the choke on, thank you.

– For cleaning up kid pukes. I can do poo-nappies but I cannot do chuck. (Thankfully this hasn’t happened yet but kids are so volatile, I’m anxious about it already)

– And of course, to check under the bed.

Have I forgotten anything?

Roy Lichtenstein, Thinking of Him

image: Roy Lichtenstein, Thinking of him

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35 thoughts on “the things I need a man for

  1. I think if you do the following:
    A. Replace cupboard doors with girlie fabric curtaining ( also very trendy at the moment ).
    B. Buy an electric lawn mower ( with extra long cable, if you have a large lawn).
    C. Train children to clear up after themselves – this does present problems if they are very small,but possibly older siblings could help??
    You will be fine and dandy!!

    • I grew up with fabric curtains, dad built the house and it tends to be one of the last things to bother finishing after you move in. It’s quite funky, I can see why there would be a revival.

  2. Vegetable oil does the door hinges nicely. Get a paper towel almost dripping and rub the hinges, swing the door a bit, do it again if still squeaky.

    Spider removal. I actually left a HUGE bug eating, arachnid looking thing in The Boyfriend’s kitchen (He’s away) because I couldn’t bring myself to get close enough to capture it. The thing was as big as a baby’s fist!

    • Thanks for the tip.
      I’m not to worried about spiders (they have legs – preferred from no legs). So long as I know where they are.There’s a spider living under the coffee machine at present. He comes out looking nervous and jittery. I’m becoming worried that he’s a squatter with an addiction.

  3. The glass jar lid bit .. is the easiest – just put a teaspoon under lid and bend upwards – so jar goes in .. and then no man needed. Brilliant … post. I would like a man to wash my window in my bedroom, because my bed stands in front of the window – lived here 3 years now .. never washed.

      • All is needed is for a little amount of jar to get into the jar and the lids comes off without any problems. – or I bang the side edge of the lid into my wooden cutting board – works wonder too. Must more difficult with the window cleaning *smile

    • I have one of those too. It’s just so tedious. Filling it up, turning it on, taking it out, rpt. Plus there’s always those things that don’t fit. You’ll notice that a prerequisite of my recipes is minimal washing up. It’s a drag creating a meal then cleaning. If I were an artist, I’d have paint brushes and dried paint all over the place.

  4. I’m with you on opening glass jars. Whenever my husband isn’t home around dinner time and I try to open one myself, I end up in tears. I also have daydreams of going to ask a neighbor or throwing the jar on the floor and watching it smash into bits. I would add that I need a man to reach the top kitchen cupboards for me. I’m too short.

    • Sounds like you need one of those jar opening contraptions too. …or tins.
      Alas, I am also vertically challenged. I’ve become quite adept at moving furniture to facilitate access to the high cupboards. And I tell you what, it’s amazing what you find up there!

  5. I don’t know about you but I need my man for killing spiders, cleaning cat sick, and fixing the garage door. Also, changing batteries in things with tiny little screws because the butter knife is just too damned big to work! :)

    • Ah, yes, cat and dog puke falls into the kid puke category. Definitely.
      And absolutely need to add those little screw battery thingys to the list! I struggle to see how big man hands can do that job either, but they do.

  6. You dont need a man. There are ways around all of those as identifiied above. Just think of the sense of achievement you will get when you overcome these things. I bought my two boys up from 2 & 3 on my own and managed of course now they are adults they do all of the jobs you identified (except kid puke) but then I reckon what the point in having sons if you have to do everything yourself!

  7. I’ve also had to get used to doing all of that too but I had to draw the line at removing the dead mouse from the garage last winter…I really hated my husband for that one ;-)

  8. Here here! I’d go a step further and say I couldn’t live without an adult “partner” in the house. Though I do all the traditional “man” stuff — mow grass, catch bugs, haul dirt, fix things, grill meat — it’s so nice to have hubby to throw a football and frisbee with, who’s way more accurate than my kids. And I always make him get on the ladder when there’s a need. And he irons too (I hate doing it).

  9. Love this! And I totally agree with all the bug comments. I’ll kill a bug when I’m by myself, but when my husband is home, I squeal, run away, and make him do it. I rationalize that this makes him feel manly.

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