My house is temporarily man-free. I’m realising that I need a man for the following household activities:
– Opening glass jars. However, I’m sure that those plastic contraptions that aid opening stuff would have cheaper running costs.
– Re-attaching the soft-close device on cupboard doors when they fall off. I seem to have absolutely no comprehension about how they attach – no mater how hard I push them. But somehow I managed to bump them off all the time. Then I don’t remember which doors do and which don’t. Since being on my own, the kitchen has become a game of banging door roulette. The longer I am man-free the more doors are banging. I can’t change my habit. I’ve become reliant on the soft-close device.
– Oiling door hinges. I guess I could do this. I just don’t want to do it wrong. There’s something about how powder is better than grease for this, or is it that grease is better than powder? Or doesn’t it matter at all? Instead I continue with my ritual of slowly and silently turning the handle, then wrenching the door open at blur speed to avoid the elongated squeak.
– Washing up… when will it end?! … Ok, so that’s not technically a need either, it’s more like a down on my knees beg for washing up mercy. I’m contemplating giving up eating.
… There seems to be a pattern emerging, perhaps if I live in a house without doors and eat out of a tin my problems would be solved… ?
– Not for mowing the lawn, putting fuel in the mower or even getting it out of the shed, but for starting the dang thing. I loath the way the mower humiliates me. I pull that cord 20 times as the mower splutters and stops, splutters and stops, splutters … There’s absolutely no way that I’m talking it in for a service. That would involve putting it in the car (the other man task of lawn mowing). And yes, I do have the choke on, thank you.
– For cleaning up kid pukes. I can do poo-nappies but I cannot do chuck. (Thankfully this hasn’t happened yet but kids are so volatile, I’m anxious about it already)
– And of course, to check under the bed.
Have I forgotten anything?
image: Roy Lichtenstein, Thinking of him